Yo ho ho and ahoy! It is September 19. That means it is International Talk Like a Pirate Day, and also the anniversary of the first time I went to a Renaissance faire.
Here’s a fun fact about me: I don’t really like renfest! Given my whole…thing, this might be surprising. I have a few theories as to why. The first time I went (see photo above), it was on a special pirate-themed day, in celebration of the aforementioned Talk Like a Pirate Day. I LOVE pirates. My 18th birthday party was a pirate-themed surprise party (thanks mom!). I wore a heart-shaped eye patch for no medically necessary reason in high school. Everything in that pirate costume was just plucked from my closet, ready to roll. So, subsequent ren fests, which were not piratey, fell short.
Also, my high school boyfriend cheated on me with a renaissance festival mermaid. While we were at the Renaissance festival. Together.
Which hurt my feelings when I was 17, but is, in retrospect, hilarious. It’s also the best-possible reason to not like something; “My boyfriend left me alone with his dad so he could go snog a mermaid” is an unimpeachable sentence. But! Thirteen years on, all I really have to say is GOOD FOR HIM. I think the majority of teenage decisions should be selfish mistakes and, also, dating a pirate and a mermaid simultaneously, WHO WOULD NOT WANT THAT!!!
I still don’t like renaissance festivals, but I think it’s because they are a combination of personal annoyances that stack up to make me hateful. Shopping, but everything is expensive (I’m cheap). Shopping; but everything is in neutral colors (I’m tacky). Dragons (no thank you). Everyone is dressed up in costumes (I do that all the time; you are all poseurs). Swords (already have one). Slow walkers (New York). Jesters and falconers (that should be MY JOB). The only redeeming thing about the renfest is Big Turkey Leg, but in this day and age, you can find those at a free local fair. So I ask of you: what is the point?????
As I type this, I’m actually wearing the dress I wore to my most recent renfest, two years ago! It’s a fairly ginormous puffy pink number, handed over to me by my friend Rosa during a clothing swap. I call it my Writing Dress. When I feel very uninspired and mentally clogged, I force myself to go out on this poofy dress, and then I write more, if not better. If you can’t cultivate your own editorial melodrama, storebought is fine! I also keep a tiara on my desk—also from Rosa—for similar reasons. It’s mostly for when I feel bad about myself, mad at someone, stressed about my workload, despairing to one degree or another. You can also do this! Just put on a tiara and you will suddenly be loftily above all your problems.
Why worry about finding parking at renfest when you can just do…whatever the hell I’ve got going here?
The Dulcet Tones of Loretta Lynn & Louisa May Alcott
Anyway, today I am not wearing my writing dress because I’m having trouble writing. I’m wearing it because I had a theory it would look cute with a specific pair of cowboy boots, and I was right! I’m writing you on my way to tech rehearsal for College Radio: Gone Country, which is TOMORROW, SEPTEMBER 20. You should attend! If you cannot, you should consider buying a $10 livestream ticket and then watching this yeehaw-ass show anytime between tomorrow and September 27 (because, yes, you have access to the video for a WHOLE WEEK).1
Longtime readers of this esteemed publication will know that, at bedtime, my husband and I read the Boxcar Children novels to one another. That makes us sleepy! But it does NOT make us SLEEP. For several months we were on this frequencies playlist, which may or may not help Diminish Evil Energy and Stabilize Electric Energy. At some point in the last few months, we switched to The Sleepy Bookshelf, a podcast where a lady named Elizabeth reads you books in a soothing voice. We just finished Little Women. It would be generous to say we actually listened to much of it. Elizabeth McNarrator’s voice is so soothing that we would both fall asleep within the first three minutes of the “episode.” So, I will not count Little Women in my 2025 reading log (yet).2 We’ve since moved on to The Wizard of Oz. Hit “play,” fall asleep during the very first description of Toto, know peace.
Here are two more recommendations I can make!
Do you read fanfiction? Did you know that, if you use Archive Of Our Own, there are certain fanfictions you can download and put on your eReader?3 Before our flight to France, I downloaded a lot of novels and a couple of fanfictions to read on the plane. Fanfiction is especially great for me, an anxious flier, because I’m immediately familiar with the characters and do not need to waste any brain energy/attention trying to “meet” new people. I don’t know how or why I wound up with a Draco/Hermione fanfic, since Harry Potter fanfiction is not my go-to and Draco/Hermione is NOT my go-to pairing. But it was a lovely read! And, oops, 630 pages. Here’s the StoryGraph page, if you want to read 600-odd pages of Draco Malfoy and the mortifying ordeal of being in love.
While we were debating which Sleepy Bookshelf book to sleep to, Myles asked me, “What’s Emma about?” AHHHH!!!!!!!! I told him “It’s Clueless,” which is correct, but also said “We should watch the 2020 movie version,” and then we did. The 2020 adaptation of Emma—sorry, I mean Emma.—is exactly as fast-paced and occasionally bitchy as Clueless but with far greater emotional depth; that is, all the emotional turns hit you with the full force as their counterparts in the book. If you missed this movie, go watch it now! And then please laugh at my very relevant and hilarious Facebook joke from 2019!
Not related to anything, please delight in the Kim Sisters’ appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show singing “Thoroughly Modern Millie.”
God Loves Clowns
Okay, did NOT finish this newsletter during rehearsal, DID wind up shopping after…oops! But I found a FANTASTIC purse. You may remember a few weeks ago, I wrote at length about Etienne Aigner bags, and how challenging they are to find. Well! Shortly after writing that post, I found a very cute-looking knockoff of the E.A. stag bag on Poshmark for $11. Eleven dollars! From a brand called Pink Haley. Okay!
Even with shipping it came out to $20, which is 1/5th the price of an actual Etienne Aigner stag bag. Plus, I’m on a mission to only buy used clothes/bags/shoes, only new-to-me unless absolutely necessary. But as it happened, this bag was brand new even though it was from a reseller, in its original packaging, the strap all nicely packed up in paper, etc. etc. When I opened the bag, it seemed to be a pretty decent faux leather material, with no weird smell or strange texture. But, sadly…I carried the bag twice, and then the flaking of the faux leather got so bad that I had to retire it permanently. It peeled like acrylic paint on a vinyl IKEA tabletop.4
Bleh!!!!!!!!!!!
After gathering a lot of my old purses together for donation, and after going straight from international travel into three-times-a-week rehearsals, I realized that I actually wanted a gigantic huge weapon of a bag. Something large enough to hold my assorted notebooks, scripts, props, wigs, and a water bottle, pouches with makeup, a snack or twelve. For a while I’ve been on this yellow bag from Great Bag Co., which you should keep your eyes peeled for on eBay/Poshmark/etc. But there’s no complete top closure. And the drop handle is sort of restrictive. You can’t carry it on your shoulder if there’s anything poking out of the top. A great bag for, say, carting craft supplies to a cafe (I’m looking at YOU, Sydney and Chloe), but not such a good match for day-to-day running about.
SO, after rehearsal I decided to pop into a few vintage stores nearby, yadda yadda yadda, and oh…in a Buffalo Exchange on the lower East side…what do I see?
A HORSE.
A HORSE in CIRCUS ATTIRE.
I asked the woman at the counter if I could see the bag. She said “Uh, sure. It’s…some designer.” Perfect condition, two additional keychains/charms attached, comfortable strap length, the 17-inch width that had dominated my eBay searches. And so, after lots of online searching for a large gaudy leathery tote that could hold all my stuff without spilling, I stumbled upon the perfect Piero Guidi “circus magic” bag at Buffalo Exchange, for a measly fraction of its $400-ish retail price.
WIDNBTW
And here? Here’s what I did NOT buy this week. Including many, many, many purses.
A “Jirkin,” aka the oversize Hermes-style top-handle flap bag that Juicy Couture produced in the early 2000s before receiving a cease and desist. In the category of “giant structured leather bags that will hurt anyone who gets in your way,” this is up there.
A vintage Sharif leather bag, either the big sparkly sequin-y patent totes I was considering, or the funky mixed-media bags I was also considering.
A guy named Michael. Facebook Marketplace listed him as a purchaseable item.
An American Leather Co patchwork bag.
An extremely large tapestry/cross stitch bag (which I wasn’t even looking for until I rewatched Emma and thought Mmmm………sumptuous embroidery.)
A vintage Arriviste sweater with kitties on it!
This plush Jellycat-style faux-Birkin. I don’t even really like the Birkin silhouette. I just…I love a bag who is also a Little Guy. Come on. Please.
Anything from the new Hello Kitty x Monchhichi collection. Admirable restraint.
Wendy’s ceramic hamburger coaster set (Amy, John, take note)
This sardine tin keychain…which I’ve apparently unlocked wholesale pricing on (?)
A…bathtub full of…realistic breast forms. Please note that I was looking for purses. REALLY I WAS. Also I think there’s a single stray penis in there, right in the middle, floating despondently in a strange environment.
AND finally, this $200 hat which IS the best thing I’ve ever tried on. It’s as big as a dining table and I already regret being “responsible” instead of wearing a Hattie-sized hole in this thing.
OKAY. That is all for now. Next week I’m maybe gonna email you my secret thoughts about a particular movie musical. Please come to College Radio at Caveat tomorrow (7pm). Fare thee well and Godspeed and may all your purses be the right amount of circus-themed for you.