Hello and happy FRIDAY! Sorry for the short missive last week. In my defense, I was too busy putting on my girdle to see Donny Osmond. That’s not a euphemism! Well. Not exactly.
What Happens in Vegas Happens Again and Then a Third Time, If You Are Me
This is the third year that my brother and I went to the When We Were Young festival in Las Vegas. It continues to be fun! And we continue to keep our most important tradition: Going to a classic Vegas-y show during the festival weekend.
So, when I wrote to you last Friday (briefly, on a bus), I was on my way back from the WWWY merch tent pop-up, where little bro and I spent 110 minutes in line, each bought exactly what we wanted1 in our sizes before it sold out, and went back to the hotel with 0 stress. If that seems excessive…you should’ve seen the merch lines during the actual fest. I was glad to get a Chiodos shirt; after seeing them for the first time at last year’s WWWY, I considered getting in the late-night Sunday merch line to try and snag one, but exhaustion won out. This time, I was victorious! Then, we went back to the hotel, changed out of our sweaty clothes, and got ready for dinner and a show. My brother looked at my outfit, laid out on the bed, and asked if I was really “going to put on a girdle for the Donny Osmond concert,” to which I responded “These are PANTYHOSE, THANK YOU, and it’s going to be COLD, so YES.”2
When Teej & I went to WWWY 2023, we also took time to go see Wayne Newton. That show, at the Flamingo, was an intimate “cabaret” where Wayne told stories, sang a little, sang along with recordings from his childhood, chatted with the audience, and did a fake-out, flirting with his charming assistant (she turned out to be his wife!). I cried multiple times. Then, last year, we saw Barry Manilow,3 who put on a straight-up VEGAS STAGE SHOW, with LOTS of dancing and very little downtime (a little for the Band-Aid song!). It concluded with a second stage dropping from the ceiling, bringing Barry closer to his constituents. There were also a ton of glowsticks. This was a nonstop party and I think I did still cry once. So, my brother and I felt pretty well-versed in Vegas showmanship.
None of this could’ve prepared us for the batshittery that was Donny Osmond.
FIRST OF ALL, through a stroke of luck/as an undeserved reward for my procrastination, I got orchestra tickets the day before the show, for less than the nosebleeds (“nosebleed” seats at a Donny Osmond show being the outermost tables in the booth-seating area). The show was not billed as a Donny Osmond show. Harrah’s, for some weird-ass reason, simply advertises the show as Donny. Stylized in that declarative format: DONNY. It was very very ominous to get a TicketMaster notification that said “Remember! You have one hour until DONNY.” My brother said “You know, there’s no guarantee it’s going to be Donny Osmond. They could just send any guy named Donny up there.” And that’s true!
But no, it was Donny Osmond. Before we met him, though, we continued the trend of ominous messaging with an encounter with the theater’s commemorative photographer. The guy took a couple of snapshots—when he learned we were siblings, he had us do some classic Donny and Marie poses—then handed us a slip of paper, which included the phrase “I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU OUTSIDE THE THEATER.” Uh. Okay!!!
Listen, I know I’m a fake fan, because I was so unprepared for the Crazy Horses remix that preceded the show starting. I am also a fake fan because I didn’t realize Donny was the singing voice of Li Shang in Mulan. How did I learn this information? Well, three songs in, Donny Osmond began a totally unhinged, 10-minute rap about his life.
I say “unhinged,” and maybe that’s not quite fair. Especially compared to the rest of the show. Which was—I cannot stress this enough—some of the wildest shit I’ve seen in my life. Which is—I cannot stress this enough!!!—impressive when you remember that I began my comedy career in Arizona. I’ve performed in haunted burlesqueries in Bisbee that made more sense than this.
At the Donny Osmond show, we saw:
Donny trapped in a cage of light (thanks to a fog machine + well-placed spotlights) singing “Close Every Door” from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (this was immediately after the rap, BTW!)
Donny doing Mulan fight choreography?!!???!??? And then the last 2/3 of the song, he’s NOT singing, he’s NOT onstage, his backup singers just DANCE-FIGHT WITHOUT HIM?
Donny Osmond fully CLIMBING in a lady’s lap
Donny singing with an AI hologram of his child self (it was his face pasted on the body of his 14-year-old grandson) (the hologram was TRAPPED IN A RECORDING BOOTH)
Donny singing “In My Life” while a montage of him & Marie played (this is when I cried this year lol)
Donny singing Moon River as a tribute to Andy Williams
The MOST confetti I have EVER seen in my life. Including the entire following day at WWWY, where the confetti cannons were plentiful!
The MOST violent distribution of beach balls I’ve EVER seen in my life. The only “beaches” the Donny Osmond beach balls are suitable for are perhaps in Normandy, because ouch!!!! These weaponized balls harmed my human flesh!!! There were way, way, way too many of them for such a small space, the rubber was extremely thick/hardy (lizardlike, even!) and no one in the audience was prepared to keep them aloft, particularly the scores of people behind us…You may remember I mentioned there were tables, with drink service, behind the orchestra seating. Yeah! Those people? NOT interested in the beach balls. VERY dedicated to lobbing them back towards the orchestra, with force.
We did buy the souvenir photo, though. Not because we felt intimidated by the photographer, but because it’s one of the adorabler photos of us to exist.
Onto the actual festival: Still fun! Still good! The headliners were Blink-182 (who we saw two years ago) and Panic! At The Disco. Last year, one of the headliners was My Chemical Romance. I wrote about the, uh, unique lack of audience etiquette in that particular group. I don’t want to sound even more curmudgeonly, so I’ll just say P!ATD fans are worse. Much worse. You’re going to try and start a fistfight over the guy featured on ME! by Taylor Swift, who doesn’t come onstage for another four hours?
Listen, The Offspring is great. They alone were worth every penny. I walked out of this festival with mercifully few bruises; the ones I have are all from The Offspring. A few of these bands, we’ve seen multiple times (WEEZER, Boys Like Girls); one was a re-do of the Warped experience that got interrupted by a lost phone (Avril); a few bands, I definitely want to see again in a smaller venue, where there’s more room to dance/writhe/rage (Knocked Loose, Sunami!!!!). After Warped, I’m officially a devotee of compression socks during concerts, so I built my outfit around these comfy red ones (which were also part of my Sailor Moon cosplay during Warped back in June). Teej took one look at my outfit and referred to me as “Ska-berry Shortcake,” which…yeah.
One last Las Vegas pro tip. The Rainforest Cafe is kind of a steal! The cocktails are $16, like pretty much anywhere else on the strip, BUT refills are only $9 AND you get to keep the glass as a souvenir. They also have an in-house photographer who will give you the photo AND a commemorative keychain for free! And the food is very good and filling?! We each had *one* drink during the whole trip, and it was here.
Three Good Causes
Hey, it’s Friday, and for a lot of people that means it’s payday! Consider giving any money you can to one (or all!) of these three causes. These are all people I know and care about, and they’re all close to their goals. You might be able to make someone’s weekend:
My friend is spending today celebrating her daughter’s first birthday. Though Daphne isn’t here to celebrate with us, you can contribute to Daphne Day in so many ways, from helping to complete the wishlist at Ducky’s Room in the brand new Cardiac Care Unit at Akron Children’s Hospital, contributing to Brave Heart Bags for families of children with congenital heart defects, and more. Go ahead and click here to find out how you can help.
My friend Jessie is running the NYC marathon! She’s SO CLOSE to her goal, raising $5,000 for Finish MS in honor of her grandmother. Your donation will support the National MS Society, and give Jessie encouragement as she runs for her grandmother’s memory in just a few short weeks. Support her cause here.
One of my comedy friends from Arizona is currently traveling to be with his partner, Amber, who has been battling metastatic cancer for a long time. This fundraiser started a couple of weeks ago, to help Amber relocate to be near her sister Aimee while she underwent treatment. Unfortunately, circumstances have changed. If you donate, you’ll be helping Amber’s loved ones travel to Michigan, to be with her through hospice. The family is really, really close to meeting their goals; if you can support Amber’s end-of-life care, please do so here.
Two Good Videos
Thank you for considering my fundraising requests! As a reward, I will now show you two good videos.
First: I was doing at-home karaoke the other day, and I did some Peaches4 and then I thought “Ooh, I could do that one Grimes song I like!” I pulled up “Oblivion,” and it sounded wrong. That’s when I remembered I don’t really like the song “Oblivion,” I like this rock cover of the song, which I think I either learned about through a Spotify Discover playlist, or an AV Club listcle, in 2018. Please, enjoy!
And here is a video that the algorithm provided me with, which is perfect. Someone in the comments described it as a video magazine. That’s right. I think it reminds me of the video montages you see in a spa, or in a waiting room, but…horsier. :)
Two more random things.
Even though this whole World Series is a SCAM, and deserves to be haunted by Bob Uecker’s ghost, I hope the Blue Jays win, because of this devastatingly sad Reddit thread + update (TW for parental death, but also Nice Stuff With Dogs!)
I bought new glasses from The Framery, which is the glasses offshoot of 1-800 Contacts. I really like them! I had been looking for new glasses when I got a coupon code for The Framery, and guess what, it still works! And apparently will continue to work for a while! AND even if you’ve already used it once! So, I share with you, use FRAMERY30 at The Framery for 30% off.
WIDNBTW
Gotta say, Las Vegas, Nevada, is full of shit I want. It’s plastic. It’s glitery. It’s trashy as hell. With those things in mind, here’s What I Did Not Buy This Week, and for every item on this list, there are 3-7 other li’l trinkets which I yearn for, as well.
A Supreme-branded Tamagotchi, or his compatriot, the Cryptids: Mothman GigaPet
Inexplicable LOL Surprise Chicken Girls at the Rainforest Cafe giftshop (???)
This bread tag earring, which I saw on someone at the festival, and which I might buy for my brother
This shirt from, I think, Abercrombie. The text, in full, says “DIRT ROADS AND DIVE BARS.” But I want to buy it, and use a seam ripper on the “dive bars” part, so it just says “DIRT ROADS AND”…ambiguity <3
This DAGGER RING!!!!! If it ever goes on sale, if I ever get a coupon, if I ever win a Catbird gift card…let’s make it happen.
Clockwise from left: An earphone case with two sleeping egg babies on it; a Clueless Purse; a VIEWMASTER PURSE!!!!!!; Chococat wearing a little pineapple instead of a bikini
Any items from the Ross in Vegas that shares its real estate with the Museum of Illusions, in a perfect alchemy called The Best Sign Of All Time
Edible cube:
And, finally, this Horse Art from Horse Party. I truly do covet all of it.
AND that’s it for the Dispatch! Next week, expect a very brief missive. I have four shows in the next seven days, including one on Halloween! Will I see you TOMORROW, October 25, with , at Relationshit (QED, Queens, 5PM?) Will I see you MONDAY, October 27, for Hallmark Presents: Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis (UCB on 14th Street, 5:30PM)? Or will I see you at either of the Rocky Horror Picture Show Shows I’m in next week (UCB on 14th Street, 10PM Wednesday 10/29, or 10:30PM Friday 10/31)?