Hi, hello! Uh…is today you? Because it’s a perfect 10/10.

😎

Wow, okay, first off, I gotta tell ya, my birthday weekend was f a n fuckin’ t a s t i c. In last week’s Friday Dispatch1 I hinted that I had Weekend Plans, but not what they were. It’s because I didn’t want to jinx it! Weather-wise or anything-else wise! But now it is done and so I can say:

I swam with OTTERS, thank you, Myles, who is the BEST husband, who said “What Hattie wants for her birthday? A pile of books and an hour in a pool playing with otters.” He was right!!!!!!! Okay, so, background:

But that’s not all! We also visited Assateague Island, or, as I affectionately called it, Horse Swamp Island. This wasn’t exactly a last-minute add-on, but it wasn’t something where I had huge expectations. Assateague Island is famous for being home to feral horses. Not wild horses—that’s a mischaracterisation and actually a different species; “wild” horses are not extant in the Americas—but feral, free-roaming descendants of domesticated horses. If you read and re-read Misty of Chincoteague as a kid, which I sure did, the etymology of these island names might be pinging your horse radar. Chincoteague, Virginia, is adjacent to the southern end of Assateague, which is just east of the Delmarva3 Peninsula (Delaware x Maryland x Virginia).

I trawled Reddit to see if people had recommendations. Oh, the horses are only really around in the morning, said a few commenters. If you want to see horses, make sure you go really early, or at dusk, because they’re never active during the day. Other commenters responded with What????? Are you on the right island??? You basically can’t go 100 yards without encountering horses and egrets chillin’ in the tall grass.

So…who was correct?

Yeah, turns out Horse Swamp Island IS rife with horses roaming the swamp!!! They’re EVERYWHERE. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a horse in this dang place, not that I would ever do that!4 All told, we saw dozens of horses in the couple of hours we spent wandering the island. One warning for my fellow horse girls who visit…You CANNOT TOUCH THE HORSES. Even though they will happily stand in the shade and sleep standing up mere inches from you, even though they will walk onto the footpath while you’re there, clip-clopping on the boardwalk…They! Will! Wreck! You! One group of horses, three adults and a baby, came up next to our car as we were pulling out of an observation area. They’re fearless. Later, we encountered them on a path through the woods. We had to step out of the way while the mare and the filly went to the watering hole, because the stallion was VOCALLY ANGRY about humans being around. Rightfully so, we were staring!

So, anyway, I had a great birthday weekend. Here to advocate for visiting the Delmarva region in early fall, when the otter pool is still heated, but it’s not crowded at Coastal Wilds, and it’s cool enough on Assateague Island that the horses roam around all day. Libras, take note!

Guys, I gotta warn you right now, this week’s newsletter is mostly bragging.

My great weekend continued into a great week when we received footage from our College Radio show! I’m going to chop up all of the livestream, eventually, to put in my reel, but first…two parody songs. I wrote both of these, and I could not be happier with how our hilarious cast brought them to life. Did you know you need a sentient ham in your life??? Well, you do, and I am happy to oblige you.

First. This is a parody of “One’s On The Way,” a F A V O R I T E karaoke night Loretta Lynn song. If you’re already familiar with the song, you will immediately “get” this. But if you haven’t heard the original song yet, may I recommend this performance, where Loretta Lynn sings it to a bunch of baby Muppets?

This is—pardon my fuckin’ French—“No Fuckin’ Way,” live and with props!

And this second song…you might’ve heard it.

Way back in 2018, at a semi-regular birthday sleepover my friends and I affectionately refer to as Camp Hattie, a blob of us were holed up in an Air BnB in Philadelphia. We’d had supper at a BYOB Indian buffet, and sometime between that and watching the I Think You Should Leave “Car Ideas” sketch 25 times, we did YouTube karaoke.

For some reason—the reason is White Claw competitors were just starting to flood the market—for some reason, I pulled up the karaoke instrumental for “Stand By Your Man,” but decided not to sing the actual lyrics. Why??? Not sure. What came over me??? HAM CAME OVER ME. And in that moment, I improvised, crafting a loose story-song in the narrative tradition of great country music. In the years since, “Ban Stan’s Ham Stand” has become a beloved tradition for me and my loved ones. I sang it at my book launch party. I sang it at our wedding. Stan, and his much-maligned hams, have become a significant part of my life…but, really, this song always deserved more than just I could give it.

So in our College Radio pitch meeting, I waited til it was time for my 3rd or 4th pitch. I said, “Hi, I just dropped the entire lyrics of a complete song in the chat. It’s a silly thing I do at karaoke but I think we could get a ham costume and a lemonade stand and really make something special here.” I knew I had a great group of co-conspirators when this all-inclusive idea was met with “Hattie, why wasn’t this your first pitch?!”

Here’s “Ban Stan’s Ham Stand,” finally on the stage and put to film:

I cannot thank College Radio + Andrea Romano enough for bringing me into this fold!

I’ve got enough live parody song performances under my belt that I made a special playlist for parody songs on my YouTube channel. Tell your friends! And, hey, if you run a comedy show, a music show, a radio show, the greatest talent show this town has ever seen, a fledgling band, an established band that wants to make a very abrupt shift into parodies or a local access studio…please! Book me to write + sing for you.

As a break from the bragging, here’s a bonkers fact from Lynda Barry’s Wikipedia page.5 I just got my hands on What It Is, after reading + loving Barry’s book Syllabus last year, and I never could’ve anticipated this moment in her Personal Life section:

Okay, bragging continues, but now with a twist…I am bragging about SHOWS I’m in that I think YOU SHOULD COME SEE. Three shows, four dates, all of them worth your while!

Alright, Friday, let’s get down to it! Here’s What I Did Not Buy This Week:

Okay, I have to go think about otters and re-watch all my videos. Stay tuned for a weekend report on all the animals I petted last Sunday! I did NOT pet a sloth because they have incredible delicate microbiomes! I DID pet an armadillo and I am eager to let you know my thoughts about that! Thank you for reading!