I considered naming this newsletter “Democracy dies in dorkness.”
Earlier this week, my coworkers threw me an office bridal shower, complete with a cutthroat Jeopardy game. My friend Emily customized the categories to be Hattie-themed, but still accessible to the layperson: Hot Diggity Dog (hot dog history), Viva Las Vegas (Vegas facts), etc. The last category was called Hello, Kitty, and all the questions pertained to Sanrio characters—known to many of my friends, family and compatriots as my “little guys.”
The Sanrio category was a challenge even to me. I spend plenty of time on the Hello Kitty wiki1, looking at Little Guys, but it’s comprehensive to the point of being incomprehensible. Under the “characters” tab, there are 916 entries. Sanrio has been around since the 60s and churning out Cute Little Guys in earnest for decades. Of course there are hundreds! And for a long time, Sanrio didn’t just manufacture gifts and stationery with its own proprietary guys. If you do your Sanrio history reading, you’ll see Snoopy (Charlie Brown’s friend) and Felix the Cat (notorious magic-bag-of-tricks enjoyer) show up on the team roster.
So why, then, are there only 90 characters represented on the ballot for Sanrio’s official character ranking?
This year, 2025, marks the 40th Sanrio Character Ranking, an annual contest meant to sow discord, betrayal and anger among everyone who’s ever been in a Hot Topic. I have never, not once, voted in a Character Ranking, and I never will, because it is a hell activity for hateful morons.
First of all, it’s a sham. In its current iteration, at least, you can vote once per day, and you can vote for every single character in the contest. It’s not ranked-choice voting, either. Each vote is weighted evenly. So, the only way to make sure your character “wins” is to cruelly withhold your votes from other characters. You love Cinnamoroll, you say? Yeah, so do I. But do you love Cinnamoroll enough that you would withhold a vote from…A BABY SEAL NAMED PUWAWA?!2
That’s what I friggin’ thought!
The Sanrio corporation is asking us to abandon all the principles they supposedly promote—friendship, teamwork, generosity—to gain attention through a popularity contest. On the official Sanrio social media accounts, audiences are encouraged to vote for their favorite characters, with brands and individuals campaigning for their chosen Little Guys. But the characters who don’t have a lucrative contract with, say, Build a Bear or Casetify aren’t receiving any cross-promotion. Compare that with the status of the old guard—your Hellos Kitty, your Bad Badtzes-Maru—who can sit back and enjoy their lifelong top-10 status while corporations and influencers go to bat for them.
The end result of all this is that someone loses the Character Ranking. Every year, someone has to come in ___th place. In 2024, it was 90th place. Some poor Little Guy had to be knocked down Cutie Pie Mountain and sit forgotten in the Friendship Foothills while Cinnamoroll gloated3 from his muffin-shaped throne.
Here. Take a look at the bottom tier of last year’s Character Ranking. These are the eight lowest-ranking characters from 2024. Look at their faces. Yes, that one there is just a family of bears who love to play games together. Look at their names. Button Nose. Tiny Poem. Mr. Bear’s Dream. A total of 57 million votes were cast in the 2024 Character Ranking, which means that millions of people, all over the world, looked at the Seven Silly Dwarfs and said “Ew, no.”
Here are some biographical facts about Littlelovin, who came in last place in the 2024 Sanrio Character Ranking. This is all true, official backstory:
Littlelovin is a puppy who loves toast. His hat is filled with LOVE and DREAMS. He always carries around a red heart patch that was a GIFT from his GRANDPA who lives in AUSTRALIA. His "skills" include MAKING PEOPLE HAPPY WITH HIS RED HEART PATCH.
Are you proud of yourselves, Sanrio, you cretins? And you. You “voters.” You turn your backs on the tiniest poems, the silliest dwarves, because, what? They are all unfamiliar to you? You had a Chococat pencil case when you were 14? You are what is wrong with this country and this planet. You would allow your nostalgia—your memory of your own youth, your brief season of invincibility—to stymie any radical new futures we could build together. We could live in a world where Hummingmint, a gentle girl deer with a heart-shaped nose who loves singing, is on the same bento boxes and band-aids as My Melody and Kuromi. But no. You are all cowards who just want to see Keroppi in your Happy Meal.
And that’s not the worst of it. Remember what I said earlier, that there were over 900 Little Guys in the Little Guy Museum? Well…where are they? Why are we only “allowed” to choose from 90 characters when we vote? Why, that’s just 10% of the actual population of Little Guys. It’s almost like it was never really about “choice.”
Why are these guys being kept from us?
Now I will be showing you some Little Guys who are not included in the Sanrio Character Ranking. These are just a fraction of the Little Guys that are being kept from you by those in power.
Cube is a hamster who loved boxes so much that he changed the shape of his body into a cube. This is what he looks like:
Cake-chan is a “whole4 cake” with a charming appearance who loves being pampered, but is, unfortunately, "surprisingly cruel." She always wears a crown. Here she is with her friends, Cogimyun (a wheat flour fairy) and Chocokorone (a chocolate pastry).
Fifi is a sheep who shows up in SO MANY EPISODES of the Hello Kitty TV shows, and she is somehow not represented in the Character Ranking! Is it because of her aspirations to join law enforcement? Is it because she is bad at makeup? Unclear. Here is a still from a TV episode where she is described as "unusually taller" than Hello Kitty and Mimmy.
Here is Peter Davis. He is a dog in a bow tie. I would kill for Peter Davis.
House Train is a Sanrio character “that is both a house and a train.” It was created in 1981. There is no other information available to me about this. I don’t care. I want to be able to vote for House Train. I want House Train to be my king.
Chip is another classic staple of the Hello Kitty television canon who is woefully underrepresented in the voting bloc. He is a seal, he is best friends with Tuxedo Sam, and he can dance like the dickens. He is ARTHUR in PAWS OF THE ROUND TABLE. He is the gosh dang SCARECROW in the Wizard of Paws. WHY IS HE NOT IN THE RANKING?!
Finally, there is Big Challenges. You may recognize him from the game Hello Kitty Island Adventures. You would not recognize him from anywhere else, because Sanrio kind of forgot to use him on any merch or in any campaigns from 1978 - 2023. And so what? How can you look at this face and not want him tattooed on your arm? How can you look at Big Challenges and not feel equipped for all of your big challenges?
So. That’s my soapbox. Big Sanrio wants to distract you with manufactured conflicts, arguing over whether Pompompurin is a “slut” (he is and that’s fine!) or whether Cinnamoroll deserves to stay in power yet another year (he doesn’t!). Just remember what they’re hiding from you. It would be generous to even call this “voting” game a farce. We are utilizing 10% of our Cute Little Guys. Until we rise up and refuse to participate in this hollow facsimile of cuteness culture, the Sanrio Character Ranking is just as meaningless as a real election.